You know there is a huge difference to how I am on tumblr and real life.
The biggest being you all know what I like from my blog. You know I like Robert Carlyle, you know love Once Upon a Time, Doctor Who, The Late Late Show, that I am getting a liking for Supernatural, and I love Stargate: Universe so damn much.
Some of you know I am asexual and I don’t identify with either gender. Very few of you might know that I believe in God.
The thing is you know me in way no one else does really at all in real life.
In real life I don’t like talking about my interests (I’d love to!) because I am scared. I am scared of what I like being torn apart like the autograph you got from your favourite celebrity or having your favourite show cancelled or your favourite character die.
I am scared of telling people what I want in life or what I want to do with my life or what I did during the day or who I was with. I am scared of them knowing what I’m interested in or who I like or what I like doing. I let people choose what they want to do, where they want to go, and pretty much everything. I let them call me what they want.
But you know that fear is because I got bullied every since I was four until I finished school. So I wouldn’t read my favourite books at school. I would keep my music really quiet in case anyone heard it and I hide the front of my iPod so no one knows what music I like. Any DVD or books I have in my room are hidden as well.
This fear of judgement or having something important to me torn apart came this sort of negative persona. I couldn’t talk about what I liked so I’d talk about things I just didn’t really or I’d tear things down before other people could and that includes myself.
Because while people would tear what I cared about down they tore me down much more. So my hair, my eyes, my freckles, my skin, my body, my likes, my interests, my friends just everything. I became so self conscious about things. There was a point I was wearing a scarf along with my zipped up hoodie, my t-shirt, my jeans, and my shoes. I got the nickname ‘nun’ from some friends because I was wearing a hoodie in whatever weather. I was self conscious about my arms too.
Although I wear tanks more than t-shirts these days and I take off my coat, hoodies, or cardigans when it’s hot and if I am comfortable with the other person. But I never did that before tumblr. I’d probably dress the same if not for people on here or tumblr. I’d probably be really depressed with life if not for tumblr and the people on here. I wouldn’t be considering taking ballroom dance classes which I’ve always wanted to try if not for people on here.
So in school and in life people think I wear what I wear or look how I did or do because of lack of self esteem or confidence. No. I am scared of them attacking what I like about myself and anything about me. So I keep myself physically covered just as I keep my personality and the things I love covered because I can’t handle being torn down any more or having what I care about shot to death like a beloved pet.
Therefore thank you, thank so much. You are all the Rose to my 9th Doctor, you’ve made me better in more ways than you can imagine. I know this is ‘just a blogging site’ but it’s not. There’s people on here who have been there for me when in my life there isn’t anyone.